CXXXIX: What I've Learned, Thus Far, From 2020?

Each year, I make it a point to reflect on the year’s past.

2020 allowed many people the opportunity to stay at home, work on their crafts and jobs, and to relax more. For others, it offered hours upon hours for their minds to completely wander.

After much thought, here’s what 2020 has taught me:

I’VE LEARNED THAT I AM NOT FULFILLED WITH MY LIFE, AS IT STANDS

What a lesson to learn, but what an age at which to learn it!

I am grateful for this lesson coming at my age because, with motivation and hard work, I have time to change this. But, if I continue to let this realization get me down, then I see my life continuing much the same.

As if this realization weren’t scary enough, I am also dealing with the fact that I could never figure out the perfect balance to result in some type of life-fulfillment for myself. It’s terrifying to think that things will always feel terrible no matter how much you work to change that, but, for some it’s also a reality.

With this, I also have to acknowledge that, looking at things ‘big picture’, I live a very fortunate life. I do not need or want for anything besides those things that I feel that I’ve been working towards. I have stressors just like everyone else, but still realize that I am very blessed when it comes down to it.

However, I am also human! So, as it turns out, I want this blessed living and the things that I’ve been working my butt off at! And again, the human in me probably won’t feel fulfilled until those things that I’ve devoted so much time and effort to start to come into fruition.

Terrible, right?

I’VE LEARNED THAT SILENCE, SOLITUDE AND SPACE WILL ALWAYS BE SUPER NECESSARY IN MY LIFE

I have always known that I am more of an introvert than anything else. I’ve known that silence and solitude usually feel much better than many other things. And, I’ve known that I prefer to be with my own thoughts rather than sitting around a fire listening to everyone else’s.

Solitude and “alone time” scares many people (even those who claim that they adore their independence), but, for others, it’s their saving grace.

I took a day that just so happened to fall on Christmas this year and people acted like my need for solitude was the end of their world. Never do you get a break from someone else’s agenda… Not until you give yourself one. My problem, however, is that I internalize (which is another reason that I just need random days of silence where I talk to literally no one). I tend to take what other people are feeling and thinking and adopt those thoughts and feelings as my own burden. So then their “need to have me around” becomes my problem because I have needs to be away and still I end up without the space and solitude that I searched for in the first place.

Confusing, I know, but just know that it’s a roller coaster of terribleness that all comes down to me desperately needing to get my life together so that I can move into my own space — a space with silence only interrupted by me, and solitude until I request otherwise.

I’VE LEARNED THAT I CAN NO LONGER JUST HUSTLE & GO, I NEED BREAKS TOO

I remember a time when I could work literally all day, leave work, go to school, leave school to go back to work, and finish off the day with the gym and homework. I would do all of this just to wake up the next day and do it all over again. I even managed to have fun with it (don’t get me wrong though, I still complained about being tired on occasion)!

But now, it’s like everything is exhausting to me. I go to work, I come home and I don’t want to see or talk to anyone! I want to lay down and just BE. And, when I can’t, it feels like a heavy weighted burden that I can’t shake.

Watching myself go through half of a day only to be tired for the whole evening is tough when compared to my old ability to ‘go, go, go"‘. But, if this is my new normal, then I have to work on a way to be okay with it to avoid being upset about it all of the time.

Once again, this was another year that seems to include lessons that dealt more with introspection than what is happening on the outside world (because we all learned something about the outside world from 2020).

I’m going to be completely honest and say that 2020 was just a year of difficulty. Looking back, I remember it being more of a ‘suffer-through-the-day’ year than anything else. It’s definitely a year that I wouldn’t want to live all over again.

At this point, and after 2 (almost 3) bad years in a row, I’m just hoping that I soon get to experience a year that had more good than bad.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!