CXLI: Addictions - Fixating on Fixing Myself
It’s odd to think that something like obsessing over your faults and shortcomings could be an actual addiction. One of my Psych classes last term required that we write about an addiction of ours — It was an informal, reflection-style paper where we got to freely discuss our addictions.
Although I could’ve discussed my addiction to snacking or my OCD when it comes to showering, I decided to discuss my addiction to fixing myself and all of the colorful things that come with that. Here’s a bit of what I wrote:
Merriam Webster defines addiction as “a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior or activity having harmful physical, psychological or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms upon withdrawal or abstinence.” (Merriam-Webster, 2005). Oddly enough, my addiction is fixating on “fixing” myself; obsessing over succeeding; and, subsequently obsessing over my failures.
This habit began years ago when I realized that no matter how hard I tried, life would refuse to show me that my efforts were ever good enough. I was always able to come close to the finish line, but I was never able to cross it. The same is true today and it has been an obsession of mine since the day that I realized this truth to try and fix myself so that all of these things can stop ending so badly. This fixation has developed, over time, into daily mental notes and reminders that ‘I am not good enough’ and that ‘no matter how hard I try, it will never pay off’. These thoughts are intrusive and nonstop. They persist on days that I wake up and hope for a good day and they are persistent on days where I simply allow myself to have a bad day. It just never goes away. This manifests itself in me smiling on the outside just to make it through a day, but crying the second that I am alone. It never seems to matter how many people believe in me, believe in my work, or believe in my abilities -- my mind is already convinced that I am truly inadequate in all things.
With all of this, I still strive to accomplish any and everything that I can. I have set myself up with a number of careers with the thought in the back of my mind that they will all fail. I am constantly working on where I will go next just knowing that nothing that I plan will come to fruition. I, however, still remain fixated on finding ways to ‘fix my life’ and get to a better tomorrow, so to speak. I still work hard at all of my goals with the smallest speck of hope that at least one of them will pan out. There was certainly a time where I was more optimistic about my goals and my future, but having all doors closed in my face while working my hardest has pushed me into more of a realist’s headspace than an optimist’s.
The plus side to all of this is that I am an excellent planner! My back-up plans have back-up plans. This has taught me a great deal about organization, structure and planning on my toes. Working towards finishing college and becoming a Marine Corps officer taught me a lot about pushing my mind and body beyond being tired as well as time management. Learning that I had an eye disease that would eventually render me blind but that had, at the time, rendered me useless to the Marine Corps taught me to think on my feet. So instead of working on becoming a Marine while in college, I was working my way towards the California Highway Patrol academy while working full-time during a gap year and applying for my next back-up plan (law school and the Federal Bureau of Investigations). Constantly having doors closed in my face taught me to throw my hat into every ring of interest which forced me to study and work on things that I never could have imagined doing, but that were always in service to others (and a lot of these things were fun).
Obsessing over trying to succeed or ‘fix my life’ has caused me to completely forego many relationships. I do not date because I cannot allow myself to get lost in another human being when I can’t even seem to figure out my own life. I have not worked enough to reach a point where I can help my family, so it would be selfish of me to consider creating one of my own. I usually don’t feel worthy of dating relationships or friendships because my focus should be on succeeding in at least one area so that I can help those who have helped me. I can say that my obsession with succeeding and fixing my life has completely soured my experiences when it comes to other people. I find myself envying those who don’t live with the mental pressure to succeed that I do (especially because they seem to succeed without the hard work and foregone experiences). All of this makes me bitter towards those who seem to have it all together or those who have help and don’t need to have it all figured out.
I have tried to adopt a more positive outlook on things and stop attributing all of my failures to the fact that maybe I am just a failure. Instead I have tried spiritually attributing it to those things just not being my calling, but the reality always hits that there is no way that that could explain all of my failures. I have also tried starting each day with a positive message and a realization that I cannot control whatever negative way that my day may stray, but that usually ends up not being helpful either. The easiest way to deal with this silly obsession thus far has simply been living through it. I have to continue working my hardest and failing and stealing mini-joys wherever I can find them until life decides to change my luck. No matter what, though, I cannot stop working hard or I will fall behind whatever imaginary curve I already seem to be far behind.
I hope that this reflective paper has provided at least a glimpse into the ever-unsettled mind of a person fixated on fixing herself.