Common Misconception

L: ... Too Fly To Be Depressed?

Depression is the result of a chemical imbalance which, in me, manifested itself in the form of: staring at blank walls for hours; filling my hot showers with tears; struggling to get out of bed; dreading human interaction (more so than usual); and an overall disconnect from everything and everyone.

My depression was a culmination of everything that I let build up over the years, and it hit me at the worst time (because when is the right time for it to hit?)

Let’s Address The Perception:

When I initially decided to reveal to a select few how I was feeling, the reactions were either very supportive or very expected.

The way that people would receive this information is one of the reasons that I kept this information quiet for so long. The supportive reactions were just that: very soft spoken words of encouragement. The very expected reactions were those of selfishness: the ‘but you’re still alive, why are you complaining’; the ‘let me send you links to streamed church sessions’; and the ‘well, we all got problems [insert their problems]’.

I know that the movies and the extreme cases on the news have hardened our hearts to the idea that those surrounding you may be capable of suffering such an ailment, but please remember that it is very possible. And, whether or not you believe in it, if someone else is going through it and chooses to open up to you about it (1) feel honored that they thought that you were human enough to understand that they are not feeling “okay”, (2) try to tear yourself away from YOU for at least 20 minutes and hear that person out, and (3) do not assume that you know what is going on or what it is like. Everyone’s experiences are different and someone else’s depression is not yours.

The Feels:

Let’s talk about what a depression felt like for me:

The Loneliness:

Even though I wasn’t always alone, I always felt alone. I felt like I did not have anyone and could not go to anyone. This is the fault of no one, it’s just an effect that I suffered.

The Sadness:

There was a build-up that lead to my depressed state and it had to do with: my level of activity, the amount of people who rely on me financially, the way that I treat those that I am close to and the fact that I expect similar treatment in return (a bad habit that I am trying to break), the uncertainty about my future, and the negative feelings associated with opening yourself up to others.

This resulted in a bunch of me blaming myself for this continuing pattern in my life where I give my best (and worst) self to people only for them to take it, give nothing in return, and reap the benefit with one foot out the door. These types of things happened to me with past boyfriends, friends, family, and then when it happened again on top of everything else that I was feeling, it was just too much…

This sadness doesn’t easily go away. Mix this with the loneliness that you’re already experiencing and you’ve got one sad drink!

I still haven’t figured out how to deal with or get past this sadness just yet, but I am working on it.

The Denial:

Let’s not forget the fact that we don’t want to be going through this in the first place, so my initial thought was to just deny it.

I did not want to believe that I could experience something like this. But, once I got to the point where I really did not want to have to experience this anymore and that I wanted to get out of it, I was more willing to accept that this was happening. Once I accept it, I can start working towards getting better, was my mindset and it worked. I am now working through this ugly battle.

The Fatigue:

When you are depressed, you literally wake up feeling tired (if you get sleep at all). You often need a nap or a break in your day.

Little things tire you out, your days seem impossibly long (but also not long enough), and your feet weigh a ton anytime you have to get up and move.

So much weighs you down when you are “down”, and the fatigue is just another thing that you have to combat on the road to recovery.  

The Sleepless Nights:

Now, I experienced a complete lack of sleep when I was experiencing my “down time”. I just couldn’t fall asleep. I would lay awake and think, or stare at the walls, or watch “It’s Complicated” or “Living Single” over and over and over. As if those things would “heal” me.

The part that I dreaded the most was that, when the sun would start to set, I would just get sad because I’d know that I would spend another night laying awake and wishing that I could just go to some other subconscious world. I never have dreams but you have no idea how much I prayed for any type of dream to take my mind off of whatever else it was on.

Add to that the fact that I literally could not sleep in my own bed! I would begin my night in my cozy king bed but lay awake for hours. Once I finally got tired of tossing and turning, I would finally give in and move to the couch — the only place that I even have a chance at falling asleep. Hence, the sleeplessness. 

The Loss of Appetite:

As hungry of a state that I constantly live in, it shocked me that I could not eat!

I would find it being 1p.m. or 2p.m. before realizing that I hadn’t eaten a thing. Not because I didn’t have things to eat, but because I literally could not eat. Food would make me sick, but, I guess, to add to the drama of it all, my stomach would growl. 

No clue what the loss of appetite was about, but I didn’t like it when I experienced it. 

The Healing:

I don’t know what other people’s healing is like, but I know that mine is a long process that involves me getting back to my very routine lifestyle.

It is the fact that I decided to leave my very routine bubble that led me to this depressed state, so I am literally backtracking in order to get back on track (which means going back to a completely closed off state, as bad as that sounds). Unfortunately, this is harder to do than it seems like it should be, so I find myself constantly straddling the line between “okay” and “back in”.

My circle is not big, at all, there are probably 3 people that genuinely care about me and my wellbeing apart from family, but there are also people around my campus that make it a point to check on me.

I have so much love for those of you who saw me around campus, noticed I was down and talked to me (Josh and Ron); and those of you who randomly check on me (Corina, Em, Jason and Alicia); and NATHAN thanks for just being there to hug me. You guys have no idea how much those things have meant. You have no idea how far those simple acts go.

In short, the healing is harder than actually going through the depression itself. It’s a process that requires patience. And, it’s not easy, but believe me when I say, IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US. So, if this is happening to you, embrace it, because this too shall pass, and I promise you ain’t too fly to feel it (because I surely thought I was).

XX: Need Answers to A Couple of Common Misconceptions?

We have all been misjudged at some point about one thing or another. I, for one, experience this often just based on my demeanor and my presence.

This post is all about addressing those common misconceptions and, hopefully, opening the door for people to get to know us more. Both Anete & myself will list out some of the thoughts held at one point or another by onlookers and add whether or not we believe them to be true.

Biased? Absolutely.

Let's dive in: 


1. I Am Mean.

I will start with the most obvious one because I completely understand why people feel this way about me. I don't have the most inviting face, unless I walk around smiling, and I do not make it point to engage much, unless I feel like it.   

This leaves many thinking that I am just a mean girl. But, that couldn't be farther away from the truth. I am actually a very nice, caring, and giving person (definitely too nice, caring and giving.) The problem is that, when you are too nice or too anything, you leave yourself wide open to those that will just take advantage of you. I know this all too well. And, I've experienced it way too much. So, mean? No. Closed off almost completely? Yes, for the time being. 

2. All I Do Is Eat.

Yep. You got me. 

Food is literal happiness. Although I am a very picky eater, I still manage to find foods that I thoroughly enjoy. I love trying new takes on the same ingredients that I've tried a million times. 

Like recently I had a quesapizza. I've had a quesadilla before and I've definitely had a pizza before, but when you put those two together you've got magic (thanks Goldfield Trading Post)!

3. I Am Weird.

This is my favorite because it is completely true! I am weird. I am definitely like no one you've ever met before. I socialize differently; I have completely different ideas of fun than most; I laugh at the most random things ever; and I have hobbies that you wouldn't imagine. 

I'm able to face the fact that I am absolutely weird because I know that some day someone will either match my weirdness or have a full love and appreciation for it. I welcome that day. I look forward to that day. 

So, here's to never being normal and forever embracing my Weird!

4. I Work Out All The Time.

Now, this is wrong, in my opinion, because I know that there are people with way more time that work out way more than I do. 

I literally hit the gym when I can and when it helps. Anytime I know I'll have a long night of studying, I have to go to the gym so that I'll be able to stay up all night and focus. 

Another reason that I work out is because I am not as vocal as I should be about my feelings. So, when I am disappointed by yet another person, I work out. When I am sad, I work out. When I am happy, I work out. When I am overwhelmed, I work out. 

Forget the science behind why working out helps me in ways that people can't. Forget the perks that come from working out. I could lose the "glam muscles" any day and still feel the same amount of pain I felt before if I weren't able to release it all in the gym. I work out because I need it, so it's okay if it seems like that's all that I do. 

5. I've Put Up An Impenetrable Wall. 

This is no misconception. This is totally true. I have a huge wall up and not by choice. 

I have given away, to few people, the things that make me weak. I've shared my insecurities. I've shared my  downfalls. I've shared my mistakes, and the people from my past have taken all of those things and used them to wage a war against me. The very people that I trusted enough to be vulnerable with are the people that made me build that wall. Person after person and brick by brick, it gets higher. 

I hate that wall. I fear that wall. I know that this wall will only prevent me from friendships, relationships and possibilities. But, to take the wall down would put me in the vulnerable spot that I do not want to be in again. 

I'm grateful, however, for those of you that pay enough attention to know that it exists and I am beyond grateful to those of you that have tried to combat it.

A huge part of me wants you all to know that I never want you to give up trying to knock it down.


1. I Am A Total Extrovert.

I can see why people think this. I do well with public speaking, I seem outgoing and talkative in social situations, and I'm not shy in making introductions. But none of these things automatically make someone an extrovert.

I spend the majority of my free time alone, in my own home, doing activities that require absolutely no interaction with other human beings, and I LOVE my solitude. I need to be alone to recharge. Being in public and being around other people drains my energy, and I find myself wishing I could just be back at home. I hate small talk, I hate forced networking, and parties are only tolerable for short periods of time. It might seem like I flow through social situations with ease, but on the inside I am often screaming for peace and quiet. It's important to remember that even a 'social butterfly' can be introverted. 

2. I Am Cold And Lack Emotion.

Deep down, I am a huge bundle of nerves and emotion, but I don't like to show it because it makes me feel weak. If I cry, I only cry in private. If I am struggling with depression or other emotional/mental issues, I steer conversations away from how I'm doing because I don't want to discuss it. I hate asking for help or advice, so I can see why people might get the impression that I have a cool exterior. 

I was raised by a stoic mother who braved many horrible events in her life, and I rarely ever saw her exhibit her true emotions. In her poise I saw strength, and I often found myself hiding behind my own emotional barrier to avoid letting others see my tender, vulnerable interior. But the emotional side is definitely there, more than most people might ever imagine.

3. I Am Weird.

I am joining Bree on this one, because it is 100 percent TRUE! Anyone who truly knows me is well aware that I can be quite strange. I say weird things, I make even weirder gestures to go along with the things I say, I am a total nerd in more ways than you might ever expect, and I am constantly laughing at myself.

I love being weird! Life is boring if you can't embrace your eccentric qualities. All the best people have their quirks.

4. I Am A Dumb Blonde.

A certain irritation exists when people fall victim to preconceived notions, and this is a common one. Some say, 'Oh, that's just a stereotype and everyone knows it's not true.' But you would be shocked how often it comes up in ordinary situations. When every verbal mishap starts being attributed to a 'blonde moment,' the joke gets old and tiring.

Once people get to know me they realize the opposite, but there is sometimes an inherent assumption that I might be gullible or that I might not know something simply because of my hair color coupled with the fact that I am female.

5. I Am Arrogant Or Standoffish.

Some people judge by projecting their own insecurities onto other people. The people I am closest to know where I come from. They know who I was when I was young. They are aware of some of my biggest struggles, and they know that I have worked hard for everything I have. For those people, I am forever grateful. I come from humble beginnings and a family with grounded values. I have nothing to prove.

It took a long time to build up my confidence, and sometimes that sense of confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. I'm the complete opposite of that, though. I would never let my ego overpower my personal relationships, because I know how it feels when someone constantly tries to break down your spirit. I will always treat people with respect and kindness, as I was raised to do. I love doing nice things for others and bringing joy to the lives of my friends and family members.

My philosophy is that you should be kind unless someone gives you a reason not to be. I apply this rule to my daily life, and I try to be as approachable and friendly as possible. If I ever seem standoffish, it's because I have RBF and I'm not aware of it, or you simply haven't gained my trust.







Common misconception.



Whatever you want to title it, we all have things that people observe and then believe about us. Sometimes these things are fun to address, and, other times, not so much. But, they all help us understand each other and they help us understand ourselves. 

I am curious to hear from the readers what misconceptions people have about you.