Resistant Friends: Watch It, Listen To It, and Let It...
I have a lot of fun as a therapist much the same way that I have fun experiencing life as a cynic with terminally terrible luck.
I mention therapy because I recently had a client who came in with communication issues pertaining to interpersonal relationships. This was the classic case of a one-sided friendship that one party gave and the other party happily took without so much as a ‘thank you’ and definitely no reciprocity.
Now, we hear this and we say, “Nah-uh, not me. That won’t be me!”, but truly, yes. Yes it will be, has been, or was you. Let’s be real.
No, but really…
I liked discussing this topic with this client because it hit home for me and. I ended up telling this particular person the exact thing that I’ve been needing to hear for so long:
People tell us, one way or another, where their mind’s are. When people around you are resistant to you or what you’re going through, don’t try to change them. Watch them, listen to them and let them be…
watch them
This has been such a tough lesson for me for decades! I used to try my hardest to just get someone to see that doing things one way causes us loss and doing things another way helps us both in the long run. But, when people are coming from different spaces, they definitely don’t want to hear your views on reason. That and, thinking in this way misses the fact that humans are all different and have different desires, priorities and cares at different times.
You may be someone’s friend for years but that doesn’t mean that you can be their priority the whole time. Life happens to everyone, right!
But, with that, if you notice that you’re never a priority but you often (and honestly) make them a priority, that’s when you start to watch them. See where their focuses are; see if they check on you with genuine concern; see if your hangouts are more about them getting out of the house or about you getting out of the house. See how much weight you’re given in that person’s orbit.
You’ll be able to tell when someone is truly for you by simply watching them operate. Don’t let the lens of denial skew your view. We never want to see someone close to us for who they are when they’re no longer good friends to us because then it’s our turn to act and that usually means letting them go.
LISTEN TO THEM
Additionally, listen to them. I had a friend that I was very close to but it was hard to talk to them because they could not see beyond small, superficial things that don’t (in the grand scheme of things) matter. And, I get it, no one wants to be serious and talk life all of the time, but if I can’t even tell you about one of the realest and hardest things that I’ve ever had to go through, then how on Earth am I allowing you so much time and space in my life? And how am I modeling this amount of openness and caring and support for you (and your family) but you’re not mirroring that or at least partially mirroring that? How is that not a problem? Is it self-awareness? Do you just not care? Either way, it’s not for me to work hard to figure out.
By this point, you know if someone can last in your life or not. Again, if I can’t tell you about something huge in my life and feel that you’d hear it and be here for me, then we’re not friends anyway so, I let you be…
LET THEM BE
This part is all about letting go.
We always make parting ways with someone this hugely negative thing, but trust me, it’s not. Break ups hurt, but it doesn’t make them any less necessary. The same goes for your interpersonal relationships as well.
You’re not meant to keep everyone that you meet in your life forever. You truly meet some people and are meant to have them for a season. Trying to keep them longer usually results in more pain than if you’d just let them go about their lives in the first place.
Now, saying that letting people go is necessary doesn’t make it easy. I’ve let go of close friends (that it’s hurt to be without) and that’s because I wasn’t ready to not be friends with them anymore, but I was completely ready to be done with the fact that they were not able to be a friend to me. Letting go of people is rarely about you getting what you want, it’s usually about going after what you deserve, and I think that’s why it hurts so much. You question “what would have been so difficult about being there for me/loving me/treating me right, etc.?”. Whatever your question to them is, you’re just left to wonder…
But when we let go of something to benefit us in the long run, it’s fruitless to ask the “what ifs”. We’ve made our choice, just as they have. Maybe they didn’t hear your cries or heed your warnings and now you’re without them. It’s fine! Let them and the “what ifs” go. Let them be.
Dealing with resistant friends in a three step process doesn't make it any easier. But sometimes we explain things to ourselves in a way that makes processing a loss a bit more gentle than it would be if we had no explanation for it.
This post isn't to say that I don't miss any of the people that I've had to let go of in the past, but it is to say that I did what I needed to do to protect myself today and in the future.
I still pride myself on being a good friend who may not always text you back at a reasonable time, but who is always there for you and will always check on you when you need and even when you don't. As a friend, I've realized that the best thing that you can do for someone in this crazy world is to be there for them whether they're going through good things or bad things. Showing up for someone is the best way to be the best friend that you can be and I will never stop doing that for the people that I love and I truly hope the people that I love never stop showing up for me.
Don’t be afraid to check in and see what kind of friend you’re being. It’d be a shame to wait until it’s too late to salvage the friendship when you can simply ask…
Best,
Bree 🩵