Pluperfect

quam perfectum

On January 3rd of 2023, I found myself looking for the perfect word. This word would describe me as it pertained to my decision to just live my life while owning the things that I had already worked to become. Pluperfect - Quam Perfectum, the adjective and literal definition meaning “past perfect”, came up for me.

For so long, I’ve focused on an always-moving goal never paying attention to each goalpost that I’d reached and never sitting in the joy of the accomplishments that I’d achieved. Granted this was because I am still at a point in life where I can barely afford the roof over my head or the recurring bills hoping to draft out of my account while also constantly clocking in and spending 92% of my week working for what seems like nothing.

Yeah, this is my reality.

A bachelor’s, a doctorate, and a masters later… this is my reality.

But, this post will stand as a reminder that none of that is my fault. I did what I was supposed to do — I did what I was told. They told me that, “If I wanted to succeed, then I’d need to get the education to do so”. So I did that, all while working my butt off even with doors constantly being closed in my face. Name one person who wouldn’t burnout on that type of existence…

I burned out before I was even presented with the finish line because I had been running the race since before high school! Me! An average student at best having to go to school over and over and take test after test just to survive. Yeah, all of that was exhausting for someone who figured that she’d make a living doing something more physical than mental (i.e. military, athlete, etc.), but I did it because I thought I had to to avoid a life of constantly struggling. But, here I am.

Moral of the story

My life has centered on the pressures that I’ve put on myself; the pressures that simply existing have put on me; and, the pressures that my goals create for me.

But, this year, I’m sitting back and staring at my beautiful creation encapsulating all that I’ve already accomplished thus far instead of focusing on all that’s next like I usually do. Everything that I’ve done, everyone that I’ve allowed into my life and then shown out of my life, every goal that I’ve accomplished and every task that I’ve failed at have led me to who and what I am now and honestly, I see myself walking into a phase of life where I am perfect and perfectly prepared.

Bad things will happen, bad people will mistreat me, and unfairness will abound but I know that I am equipped to handle these things while also acknowledging that I’m not always the problem. All of this can be true while I also acknowledge the moments where I am the problem — because I’m certainly self-aware enough to do this.

Having lived, learned and grown through so much, I feel that I’m sitting in a perfect piece of my existence here. And all of my days are definitely not sunshine and rainbows but I AM.

I’ve never felt more perfect than how I feel now. Now let’s see what magic I can create from these feelings! 💖✨