Pivot the Pilot: “Low” by Written Brianna J. Grant
Pivot the Pilot is a series on the blog where Bree attempts to refine a WIP (work in progress) or a script based on notes received. These notes are generally the products of competition submissions as Bree usually submits to competitions that allow for coverage (you should do this so that you at least feel as though you’re getting your money’s worth).
Today’s pilot is “Low”, an original pilot and story created and written by Brianna J. Grant. This pilot has been submitted to about 15 competitions, mentorship initiatives and labs, a couple of which have provided good feedback for revisions.
“Low” is the ultimate story of change set in modernized Harlem where Lori Letten is attempting to get a grasp on things. Her professional life isn’t going too well as she’s employed in a field that leaves no room for her to use her degree. Her love life is just as uninviting with the most interesting thing about it being the stories that she hears from her best friend’s love life. And, to top it all off, she’s been tasked with caring for her sister whose marriage just isn’t working, along with her self-awareness.
Logline:
A young woman with nothing to lose and a life of bad luck finds herself at the end of her rope when an unexpected stranger comes along and changes her perspective using unconventional means and an unbelievable game of underground gambles.
Now, a good logline would give you a piece of the plot, a taste of the budget, a shot clock and a tinge of irony!
Loglines are super tricky — sometimes they come to you and sometimes they just don’t. The logline for Low definitely did not come to me easily. If I have the choice on whether to submit Low with a logline or not, I would definitely opt to not submit this logline. It’s lacking in irony and a catch! There’s nothing different about this story based on the logline, so this is another thing that we’ll be working on during our revisions.
WeScreenPlay Feedback
Feedback Provided by WeScreenPlay
Feedback Provided by WeScreenPlay
The great thing about this set of feedback is that the writer/reviewer who provided the feedback also provided suggested minor changes and truly went in-depth about what worked and what didn’t work. Truly, my dialogue was my saving grace with this script. And, while I tried something fun with the structure, the dialogue alone can’t carry the storyline and provide the connections that a viewer would need to make 2-and-2 of the story, so the show would definitely need a complete overhaul to get the plot, concept and structure out of the lower percentiles.
To conduct this overhaul, we go back to the drawing board! I have my show’s concept down so my treatment is my Bible, essentially. But to get from beginning to end, I have to have an understanding of the flaws, the blind spots, and the language barriers. I need to understand where my plot isn’t carried over, where my dialogue has gaps and which of my story points have been left on the side of the road.
You see, “good” and “improve” will not get your scripts read in the rooms that’ll get them somewhere, but “virtually perfect” might actually give you a fighting, 1-in-100 chance.
Let’s review more feedback before we start our edits:
Diverso: Black Writers in focus feedback
Feedback Provided by Diverso: Black Writers in Focus 2022 (Coverfly)
This feedback is perfect because it lists out the strengths of my pilot, which is encouraging and then hits on my major weakness — “the story is common, give us more”. It even suggests helpful flash-fowards to assist the reader/viewer in understanding why they should watch my show!
Now, I don’t believe in adding crap and fluff to my pilots and scripts just to have it, it has to move the story or make sense for me to give it space to shine. Many people are looking for the next and most “wow” moments for every script and every scene and I don’t necessarily think that that makes for good tv.
So, while I definitely take notes like “this story is common, give us more", I take them and apply them from a thoughtful place.
To be a screenwriter who doesn’t believe that every script and every scene needs boom, flash and dazzle at every turn is difficult in a sea of writers who do, but staying true to your stories and your way of telling stories is what gives you a unique voice.
So, in taking this feedback back to the drawing board, I’ll be editing in a way that keep the stories relatable, the characters believable and the happenings realistic.
Best,
Bree 🩵