As we near the end of the year I find it benefits us all to reflect and more importantly, self-evaluate. What did I learn? What are the areas that I need growth? How can I better handle unexpected situations going forward? These were just a few questions I ponder before deciding to create this post.
For me, 2017 has but nothing short of a rollercoaster ride and throughout all the pain and joy I’ve experienced, I’ve learned a lot about myself and even adjusted my perspective on life. Here are just a few of the things that I chose to focus on:
I’ve accepted the fact that there is no way to learn how to be a parent. There’s no rulebook or self-help guide that can mentally and emotionally prepare you to tackle the task of parenthood. As delicate as the lives of our children are, unfortunately, parenting is trial and error. You learn as you go. I think back to my potty training stages. I read several blogs, joined support groups and purchased books that were supposed to help me successfully potty-train my daughter. That was a mistake! All it did was stress me out. The authors were basically putting deadlines on when your child should have grasped the concept of using the bathroom on their own. There were schedules and intricate techniques on ways to get your child to use the bathroom. Luckily, I had my mother to guide in the better direction which was to let my daughter get it on her own. “Stop trying to force her and get yourself frustrated when she doesn’t perform like everyone else says she should. Society establishes these timeframes but you don’t have to ensure she follows suit. She’s a baby.” That’s what my mother would tell me. I was so overwhelmed with trying to train her, I finally decided to just let go. Let her get it on her own. She’s perceptive, she’s articulate, she will get it eventually and sure enough, she did. Slowly but surely, she would tell me she wanted to use her own potty and that she no longer wanted her “diappy.” So, I’m encouraging the parents out there to accomplish the child-rearing milestones in your own time. Be patient. Enjoy the journey with your child. Don’t be so hard on them, they’re children. I know there’s a lot of frustration that comes along with the job, but I’ve also learned to release the stress in the form of laughter. It takes less energy out of you in comparison to disciplining.
Sometimes, It’s just Over
“Stop trying to breathe new life into dead things”, a quote that resonated with me from Bishop T.D. Jakes. I am so guilty of trying to bring back things from the past, trying to relive them again, or trying making it work. You know, ‘make things how they used to be.’ Unfortunately, some situations and some relationships are just dead and over with. I’ve learned that, as hard of pill as that is to swallow, I have to let go. People and opportunities will continuously enter and exit our lives, and I’ve come to accept that as a necessary occurrence of life.
As it pertains to people, most come for a reason and a season – after that, they’re gone. Same with opportunities, they come and they go. The key is learning to adjust. Learn from that relationship or that opportunity, grow and continue to move forward. I have truly struggled with letting people go and trying to make things right or to make them okay, but I learned that it won’t be. That relationship/opportunity served its purpose and now I need to move forward. So, if you feel you’re continuing to entertain a relationship – be that a platonic or romantic, if it’s lingered a little longer than it should have, let it go. Move on and look forward to new possibilities.
I believe that we are all out here in search of someone to love who will love us in return. I did discover however, that it’s impossible to love another properly if you don’t fully and unconditionally love yourself. I know I can be extremely hard and critical of myself. Not liking certain aspects of my appearance because someone else decided they didn’t, or feeling like a failure because I didn’t accomplish all I should have based on society’s rules. Or even, not liking like my own character or things that make me me, because someone else has continually condemned those things. I have also succumbed to allowing other people to use me as their punching bag because they don’t like themselves either. All that has done is tear down my self-esteem and self-worth. I wasn’t loving myself when I continued to tolerate emotional and verbal abuse. I literally had to check myself I had to learn to love myself enough to say ‘no’ and walk away from those situations. It was hard. We, as humans, get comfortable and we romanticize certain situations in the hopes of creating a better outcome than what we’re really experiencing. I had to literally tell myself, “No.” “No Nicole, you will not settle and you will not tolerate mistreatment. You’re going to love yourself.” I had to tell myself, “I love me” out loud, throughout the day. As crazy as it sounds, the more I said it the more I believed it. For the things that I didn’t like, it became a matter of accepting them or doing what it takes to change them. Under no circumstances was I ever going to neglect myself the way I had ever again. If you’re experiencing or have experienced similar situations, I don’t care who it was from – whether it be from a spouse, friend, family member, or whoever, just tell them “no.” Walk away and learn to love you.
As the New Year approaches, hopefully you all will take time to reflect and focus on those areas that we know require improvement. If nothing else, here are a few things I encourage all of you to do. Learn to be gentle. Be kind. Be patient – with not just others but also yourself. Run your own race. Love freely. Experience new things. Learn to let go. Laugh often. Set your own timeframes for accomplishments. Most importantly, enjoy the journey!