XLV: Why I Am Not Afraid To Say That I Am Not Enough... ?

in·ad·e·quate

inˈadikwət/

adjective

  1. lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.

  2. (of a person) unable to deal with a situation or with life.

I am not afraid to admit that I struggle in many areas. I am not afraid to admit that I have issues: with trusting people, with communicating, with eye contact, with disloyal people, with accepting when I am not right, with failure, with confidence (some days), with trying to please others, and the list could go on for miles.

I am not afraid to admit that I sat in the shower and cried last night because of all that I fall short in. Every loss is a lesson to me, but some losses are so big that they seem to rock the world that I was comfortably living in before their quake. 

Some losses take a toll on my insides, my outsides, and everything in-between, and I am currently living in the wake of loss.

I cannot change the parts of me that have been fashioned by my past. I have come across many people, done and seen many things, and gone many places. All of these things have shaped me, whether it be negatively or positively, regardless, they’ve changed me.

In being sheltered, I couldn’t understand that people weren’t like me, that they didn’t grow up in the church, that they weren’t selfless but instead were selfish, and that they weren’t compassionate and understanding. I couldn’t understand that they weren’t remorseful, that they weren’t forgiving, that they weren’t humble. I can’t understand that I am not worth a change to these people, at least.

I put a lot into people. I give a lot to people… As scary as that is, I always find one person who is “worth it”, that is, until they aren’t and even then, I still want them to be. I have faith in people that they will treat me and cherish me the way that I treat and cherish them; that they will work with me when I am willing to work with them; that they will appreciate me the way that I hoped they’ve seen that I appreciate them. The reality is, however, that sometimes you just aren’t worth their effort, you aren’t worth their forgiveness, you aren’t worth them choosing you…and YES there is a choice to be made.

It sounds bad, I know, but look at the world that we live in…

Finding out that you aren’t worth a change to someone that you considered special hurts. But there is always a bright side… (I’ll let you know when I find it).

This post is mainly about reminding myself that it’s okay to feel this way as long as it’s temporary. It’s okay to be hurt, as long as it doesn’t control my life. It’s okay to not be okay, regardless of what social media says.

In this post, I’m not asking for a response, I’m not asking for love, I’m not asking for answers… I just wanted to vent.

Thank you to all of my faithful readers. Y’all make my blogging experience all the more wonderful!

All that glitters isn’t gold, & all that hurts is fleeting.
— Brianna J.