LXXXV: To Be Me...
To be me is very challenging. I am a difficult person, shaped mostly by my past experiences. I do my best to learn, not to internalize, and to remain open.
At 27, I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, and learned more than I’ve wanted to.
So, I guess I can say that:
TO BE ME IS TO BE CRAZY
The way that my mind works is unlike any other.
I have the most outlandish ideas and the most quirky conversations, but I wouldn’t be me without this quality.
I like that I’m not like other women and that I’m not like other people, in general. It’s one of the best things about me — I am unapologetically me at all times.
So, you can call me crazy but you can never say that I’m like anyone else you’ve ever known.
TO BE ME IS TO BE BENEFICENT
Some day these good deeds will be the death of me. But, until that day, you will know me for my good deeds.
Despite my exterior and the fact that I literally have no patience for people, I am a very giving and loving person. I would honestly give my last to those that I love (and even those that I don’t know). Some people see this as a weakness or as me loving myself less than others. But, I just see that as the mind fooling fools out of doing good deeds.
I pity those who do not have it in them to do good unto others, BUT where they slack, I’m fine with being great. 🤗
TO BE ME IS TO BE ATHLETIC
I am a full-blown participant in this workout game and have been for as long as I can remember.
Working out brings me a sense of calm and clarity that I can’t get from anything else. Even though I have to deal with some of the most insane things just going to the gym, I would definitely not stop going.
I’m someone who enjoys working out and can never understand it when others see it as work or a task that they have to get through. But, I always encourage others to join me for a workout so that they too can find the fun in healthy living.
TO BE ME IS TO BE OVERLY ANALYTICAL
Okay, so I’m overly analytical but not in a good way. Remember how I mentioned that I come up with the most outlandish ideas and have quirky conversations? Well, I’m sure that that goes hand-in-hand with this little quality about me.
A lot of times this deals with a pattern from my past. So, basically if I feel that I’ve ‘been here before’, then I will over think whatever the situation is while making guesses about what will likely happen in the future.
Honestly, a lot of the time, I am right: the friendship ends, the person was lying, the guy was fake the whole time, etc… I got this over thinking thing on lock down, but only because no one has been honest or real enough to prove me wrong yet.
Although I am usually right, this is still not a good quality to carry unless applied to situations that should receive an extra thought. But, I wouldn’t be human if I did things correctly now would I?
TO BE ME IS TO BE COMPLETELY IMPATIENT
If you are at all religious, then you know that a lot of learning your way through the Bible is learning to be patient and have faith.
Now, patience and faith are supposed to go hand in hand, but I lack in a major way at having any type of patience. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have faith, but it means that I am still learning.
This world is quite vexing, so each day that I leave the house and don’t end up slapping someone is a gold star on my calendar (if I’m being all the way honest).
Apart from people however, I think that my biggest lesson in patience is the fact that I don’t know where my life is taking me just yet. I have worked hard at the things that I’ve genuinely wanted for my life and those doors have all completely been closed in my face.
Now the only direction that life seems to be kicking me in is towards the law, and it makes me nervous.
When I was younger, I wanted to be many things: a chef, a singer (don’t ask), a flutist, a teacher, an actress, a writer, a ballet dancer, but never did I wish to be an attorney. For some reason, this is what’s in store for me. This is apparently meant for me, and although I’ve met some of the most dishonest and disloyal people while in this field and have no faith that I will meet better people, I’M STUCK HERE.
Because of this, I have to think that maybe I am here to be the change. Maybe I am here to be the difference. So, while all of this works itself out, I have to practice patience and continue to be me.
TO BE ME IS TO BE THE MOST LOVING
My heart is the thing that will forever get me into the most trouble.
I don’t give it out often, but when I do, it’s usually to the wrong people. This is not to discount those who are handling my heart like they have a sense of humanity at all. I see all of you great people who know how to act! LOL 👀
But, the ones that are ingrained into the back of my mind are those who have inched their way into my heart only to leave it scarred.
My heart has worked overtime to expend itself and then to mend itself. Time and time again.
Luckily, for me, my heart is most protected by the love of my family! When all other love fails you, familial love will not. It certainly hasn’t failed me!
TO BE ME IS TO BELIEVE THE FALLACY THAT I AM AS MEMORABLE TO OTHERS AS OTHERS HAVE BECOME TO ME
Life is nothing but a bunch of memories and I love making memories with different people.
Nothing means more to me than to have moments that I never want to forget with people who I hope will always be there.
A lot of the times, that’s not the case, but for those who have stuck around, I am truly appreciative. My blinders are on to those who have chosen to make me less than a memory or to those who have come into my life for just a season.
A lesson that I will forever be forced to learn is that, not everyone is able to be good to others. Some people have it in their minds that the proper way to treat people is as though they are disposable. I’ve seen it time and time again, and it will forever be my reminder not to be like those people.
I cannot express how forever appreciative I am of those who have ever treated me like I was forgettable or disposable — You’ve all taught me a more valuable lesson than you will ever know. And although I may not be memorable to people like YOU, I know that, where it counts, I am so much more!
I could honestly go on forever about what pieces make up the Brianna J. pie, but that’d be boring and ever-changing!
All-in-all, I am a food-loving, studying, loud-music-playing, cynical, always honest, never patient, irritable, movie-going woman who is always growing, learning and changing. My secret weapon is that I know who I am. I am always unapologetically me. I fight for what I want, love and care about. And, no matter the turns, I always win.
I guess you could say that, to be me is to be simply amazing. And, if you don’t feel this way about yourself, then you’ve got some work to do. 😉