Wellness

XCVII: I Won’t Be An Attorney In 2019, But I Will Be Free!

So, ya girl studied for the July bar exam up until the week prior to the exam and then chose herself and her sanity over rushing the process. YEP, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, I chose ME.

We all know that the natural progression is LSAT, law school, bar prep, bar exam, and usually those who take these steps do them one after the other after the other.

BUT!

In all honesty, my life was not working in a way that would get me across the bar exam finish line with my sanity or happiness intact.

At that point, I had just lost too much, was experiencing too much hurt, and was just mentally occupied and checked out. I had done what I was supposed to do and stuck to my study schedule but it was to no avail. I was basically just going through the motions and retaining nothing.

Now, I have seen myself at something-closer-to-peak performance, and I saw myself at whatever it was that I was experiencing during bar prep and I knew that I had reached my limits. I had no more fight left in me and I just couldn’t push through.


It’s rare for me to choose myself because it’s usually the case that, making other people happy is what really makes me happy. But, it got difficult when law school finals, graduation and bar prep were getting closer and closer all while life was still happening in the background.

During a couple of months time, I had to brush off death, my emotions, my fears, my feelings, love, heartbreak, and disappointment. Trust me, I’m used to working through these things but sometimes it just gets to be too much.

All of that on top of bar prep was definitely too much.

I got to the point where it was like, “okay, if a pen drops, I’m going to lose it” and that just was not a stable place to be. Bar prep is daunting enough, it’s hard enough and its terrible enough without so much going on in the background. It’s also a lonely process because no one knows what you’re going through except maybe your study/accountability buddy but life is also happening to them, so, you’re alone!

it was hard learning that, you may FAITHFULLY be other people’s happiness, but that does not mean that they care about your happiness. Many times, they don’t care.

This was tough to accept during a time where I felt that I needed certain people to be there for me.

By about a week prior to the bar exam, I had lost my longest-running and closest friendship with the only person I’d ever truly trusted, I had lost a close family member in an unexpected way, I had stressed my way through my moms major surgery, and it made me feel like I was, once again, working hard towards another loss (pass or no pass).

And a lot of that lead me to the conclusion that it just wasn’t my time.


Prior to making the choice, I did not tell anyone that I was thinking about postponing, I just gave myself more time to try and study. I made the choice and then studied as hard as I could for a couple of days, but once those days were over I saw that I still wasn’t in a good space at all. I spent the majority of the time bawling my eyes out at my desk and not actually being able to study. Topics like Wills & Trusts and Community Property were making me cry just given all that was going on, and really, I JUST NEEDED TO HEAL BEFORE I COULD DEAL WITH THE BAR EXAM (even when all of the topics were handed to me).

I say that I am now free because, throughout the process and all of the loneliness, I saw different sides to people who I had considered a friend.

I saw that a lot of people did actually care about my wellbeing and my mental prosperity, but that many others were more interested in my next moves. They wanted information about what Bree was doing next, where Bree was going next, and who Bree was dating. This is fine, but if you’re not checking on me too, you’ve got to go!

Nosey acquaintances are nothing new, but they are sometimes hard to pick out because they shield their triflin’ ways in fake concern, but it becomes more obvious the more they speak. So, I definitely freed myself from those types of people.

I freed myself from those who claimed to love me but betrayed me, weren’t there for me, or were simply garbage. AND, I FREED MYSELF FROM THE IDEA THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS BECAUSE OTHERS EXPECT THEM OF ME.

The best lesson that I learned during bar prep was that, even though we often get to a spot where we hope that others care about us enough to work towards our happiness the way that we do theirs, at the end of the day it is NOT their job to ensure that you are happy. It is YOUR job to do what will make you happy at all times.

So, I won’t be reading that I passed the Bar Exam on Thanksgiving (because I didn’t take it), but I will go into my next round of studies in a much better space mentally.

LXX: The Woman - Body Positivity!

So many women struggle with embracing and loving their own bodies as they are. 

They want to change or alter what always was; they want to inflate, carve out, or add to areas that, in their minds, enhance the shallow idea of “beauty” in today’s world; and, to obtain all of this, they tear their bodies down and overcompensate with chemicals, injections and dietary products.

I completely understand seeing women in the media with perfect Coke bottle shapes, small waists, big butts, & hips for days. Or the complete opposite end of the spectrum where the women are super small, with a wide leg gap, ribs that show and legs for days. Yes, these may look appealing in photographs but are also accompanied by very unhealthy ends to get, keep and maintain this image.

Body Positivity is so important in these days. It is simply being comfortable and confident in the very skin that you are in. Not striving to change. Not striving to alter. Just being completely happy with who and what you are.

A big part of body positivity is understanding your body type:

There are many charts out there that help you understand the different body types so that you can find out which body type you have.

This is a shortened version of a body type chart. These are the five basics and, of course, there are many more variations of these core groups of body types.  I am honestly a mixture of 1, 2, & 4. The fact that I have no hips makes me a dead ringer for the squared proportions in number 1. My broad shoulders place me happily into number 2. And the fact that I have buns and thighs are my only saving grace for leveling myself out and leaning me more towards a number 4.  Now, in fully understanding what my body looks like, I can pretty much see what limits I can push my body to.  But, another important component here is understanding where your meals show the most. My food legitimately goes to my thighs and my stomach areas. So, I am sure to keep cardio a constant in my workouts in order to maintain. This is another important aspect of understanding your body type (knowing where you food shows most). Just saying…  It’s all about knowing your body.

This is a shortened version of a body type chart. These are the five basics and, of course, there are many more variations of these core groups of body types.

I am honestly a mixture of 1, 2, & 4. The fact that I have no hips makes me a dead ringer for the squared proportions in number 1. My broad shoulders place me happily into number 2. And the fact that I have buns and thighs are my only saving grace for leveling myself out and leaning me more towards a number 4.

Now, in fully understanding what my body looks like, I can pretty much see what limits I can push my body to.

But, another important component here is understanding where your meals show the most. My food legitimately goes to my thighs and my stomach areas. So, I am sure to keep cardio a constant in my workouts in order to maintain. This is another important aspect of understanding your body type (knowing where you food shows most). Just saying…

It’s all about knowing your body.

After you understand, You Have to act like you understand:

A scary thing that I see women doing these days is taking drastic measures to change their body types. There was a huge surge in the purchases of waist trainers when Kim K and her clan of siblings started doing promo for them.

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The companies that profit from the sales of these waist trainers then began to take it to extreme levels by adding components to the waist trainers that add more of a SQUEEZE to the women starting at her ribcage and ending at her waistline.

Once Kim posted with this super tight waist trainer on, women all over started getting tighter and tighter waist trainers until they decided to just say ‘Forget it! Take some ribs out!’

Before you know it, there are millions of women scraping together pennies to get botched surgeries, dieting in all of the wrong ways, and trying anything possible to look like women who paid big money for the bodies that they are rocking in the first place (i.e. all Kardashian/Jenner except Kendall and Kourtney).

There are so many positive and healthy changes that can be made to ones body with a proper diet and exercise. But, it starts with being comfortable with who you are and with what you have.

Sidebar, but of equal importance:

Self-esteem is lacking largely in the women community of social media these days(hence the reason you see all of these girls twerking down your timelines and half naked in bathroom mirrors). Body positivity is a move in a positive direction pertaining to self-esteem and self-love that all women should be striving to adopt [and if not body positivity, then maybe self respect].

We all have problem areas, but choose to love yours!

I completely hate the fact that I have no hips and a substantial hip dip. It also doesn’t help that I let myself grow a muffin top last summer which is still peaking its little head through at any chance.

This has completely distorted whatever shape I had potential to have! And, although I am working on getting rid of my babytop and these hip dips, I still completely love my body! I still do not wish that I had any other shape or size, and I didn’t need a Kardashian-like “workout” (i.e. surgery), or Instagram tea to get here!

Loving yourself is literally the key to all types of prosperity. Start with loving who you see when you look in your mirror.

Disclaimer: The Kardashian/Jenner’s are the focus of this post because they’re clearly the most self conscious and yet self-absorbed social media personalities who have built a career on sex tapes, scandal, lies, plastic surgeries, and objectifying & fetishizing Black men all while influencing all ye young impressionable minds who worship them — thereby leading to your own self-loathing and body shaming.

I, in no way, support the Kardashians or the Jenners. They are just the perfect example of why a lot of girls are taking extreme measures to change their bodies.