Love

XCVII: I Won’t Be An Attorney In 2019, But I Will Be Free!

So, ya girl studied for the July bar exam up until the week prior to the exam and then chose herself and her sanity over rushing the process. YEP, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, I chose ME.

We all know that the natural progression is LSAT, law school, bar prep, bar exam, and usually those who take these steps do them one after the other after the other.

BUT!

In all honesty, my life was not working in a way that would get me across the bar exam finish line with my sanity or happiness intact.

At that point, I had just lost too much, was experiencing too much hurt, and was just mentally occupied and checked out. I had done what I was supposed to do and stuck to my study schedule but it was to no avail. I was basically just going through the motions and retaining nothing.

Now, I have seen myself at something-closer-to-peak performance, and I saw myself at whatever it was that I was experiencing during bar prep and I knew that I had reached my limits. I had no more fight left in me and I just couldn’t push through.


It’s rare for me to choose myself because it’s usually the case that, making other people happy is what really makes me happy. But, it got difficult when law school finals, graduation and bar prep were getting closer and closer all while life was still happening in the background.

During a couple of months time, I had to brush off death, my emotions, my fears, my feelings, love, heartbreak, and disappointment. Trust me, I’m used to working through these things but sometimes it just gets to be too much.

All of that on top of bar prep was definitely too much.

I got to the point where it was like, “okay, if a pen drops, I’m going to lose it” and that just was not a stable place to be. Bar prep is daunting enough, it’s hard enough and its terrible enough without so much going on in the background. It’s also a lonely process because no one knows what you’re going through except maybe your study/accountability buddy but life is also happening to them, so, you’re alone!

it was hard learning that, you may FAITHFULLY be other people’s happiness, but that does not mean that they care about your happiness. Many times, they don’t care.

This was tough to accept during a time where I felt that I needed certain people to be there for me.

By about a week prior to the bar exam, I had lost my longest-running and closest friendship with the only person I’d ever truly trusted, I had lost a close family member in an unexpected way, I had stressed my way through my moms major surgery, and it made me feel like I was, once again, working hard towards another loss (pass or no pass).

And a lot of that lead me to the conclusion that it just wasn’t my time.


Prior to making the choice, I did not tell anyone that I was thinking about postponing, I just gave myself more time to try and study. I made the choice and then studied as hard as I could for a couple of days, but once those days were over I saw that I still wasn’t in a good space at all. I spent the majority of the time bawling my eyes out at my desk and not actually being able to study. Topics like Wills & Trusts and Community Property were making me cry just given all that was going on, and really, I JUST NEEDED TO HEAL BEFORE I COULD DEAL WITH THE BAR EXAM (even when all of the topics were handed to me).

I say that I am now free because, throughout the process and all of the loneliness, I saw different sides to people who I had considered a friend.

I saw that a lot of people did actually care about my wellbeing and my mental prosperity, but that many others were more interested in my next moves. They wanted information about what Bree was doing next, where Bree was going next, and who Bree was dating. This is fine, but if you’re not checking on me too, you’ve got to go!

Nosey acquaintances are nothing new, but they are sometimes hard to pick out because they shield their triflin’ ways in fake concern, but it becomes more obvious the more they speak. So, I definitely freed myself from those types of people.

I freed myself from those who claimed to love me but betrayed me, weren’t there for me, or were simply garbage. AND, I FREED MYSELF FROM THE IDEA THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS BECAUSE OTHERS EXPECT THEM OF ME.

The best lesson that I learned during bar prep was that, even though we often get to a spot where we hope that others care about us enough to work towards our happiness the way that we do theirs, at the end of the day it is NOT their job to ensure that you are happy. It is YOUR job to do what will make you happy at all times.

So, I won’t be reading that I passed the Bar Exam on Thanksgiving (because I didn’t take it), but I will go into my next round of studies in a much better space mentally.

LXXXV: To Be Me...

To be me is very challenging. I am a difficult person, shaped mostly by my past experiences. I do my best to learn, not to internalize, and to remain open.

At 27, I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, and learned more than I’ve wanted to.

So, I guess I can say that:

TO BE ME IS TO BE CRAZY

The way that my mind works is unlike any other.

I have the most outlandish ideas and the most quirky conversations, but I wouldn’t be me without this quality.

I like that I’m not like other women and that I’m not like other people, in general. It’s one of the best things about me — I am unapologetically me at all times.

So, you can call me crazy but you can never say that I’m like anyone else you’ve ever known.

TO BE ME IS TO BE BENEFICENT 

Some day these good deeds will be the death of me. But, until that day, you will know me for my good deeds.

Despite my exterior and the fact that I literally have no patience for people, I am a very giving and loving person. I would honestly give my last to those that I love (and even those that I don’t know). Some people see this as a weakness or as me loving myself less than others. But, I just see that as the mind fooling fools out of doing good deeds.

I pity those who do not have it in them to do good unto others, BUT where they slack, I’m fine with being great. 🤗

TO BE ME IS TO BE ATHLETIC

I am a full-blown participant in this workout game and have been for as long as I can remember.

Working out brings me a sense of calm and clarity that I can’t get from anything else. Even though I have to deal with some of the most insane things just going to the gym, I would definitely not stop going.

I’m someone who enjoys working out and can never understand it when others see it as work or a task that they have to get through. But, I always encourage others to join me for a workout so that they too can find the fun in healthy living.

TO BE ME IS TO BE OVERLY ANALYTICAL  

Okay, so I’m overly analytical but not in a good way. Remember how I mentioned that I come up with the most outlandish ideas and have quirky conversations? Well, I’m sure that that goes hand-in-hand with this little quality about me.

A lot of times this deals with a pattern from my past. So, basically if I feel that I’ve ‘been here before’, then I will over think whatever the situation is while making guesses about what will likely happen in the future.

Honestly, a lot of the time, I am right: the friendship ends, the person was lying, the guy was fake the whole time, etc… I got this over thinking thing on lock down, but only because no one has been honest or real enough to prove me wrong yet.

Although I am usually right, this is still not a good quality to carry unless applied to situations that should receive an extra thought. But, I wouldn’t be human if I did things correctly now would I?

TO BE ME IS TO BE COMPLETELY IMPATIENT

If you are at all religious, then you know that a lot of learning your way through the Bible is learning to be patient and have faith.

Now, patience and faith are supposed to go hand in hand, but I lack in a major way at having any type of patience. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have faith, but it means that I am still learning.

This world is quite vexing, so each day that I leave the house and don’t end up slapping someone is a gold star on my calendar (if I’m being all the way honest).

Apart from people however, I think that my biggest lesson in patience is the fact that I don’t know where my life is taking me just yet. I have worked hard at the things that I’ve genuinely wanted for my life and those doors have all completely been closed in my face.

Now the only direction that life seems to be kicking me in is towards the law, and it makes me nervous.

When I was younger, I wanted to be many things: a chef, a singer (don’t ask), a flutist, a teacher, an actress, a writer, a ballet dancer, but never did I wish to be an attorney. For some reason, this is what’s in store for me. This is apparently meant for me, and although I’ve met some of the most dishonest and disloyal people while in this field and have no faith that I will meet better people, I’M STUCK HERE.

Because of this, I have to think that maybe I am here to be the change. Maybe I am here to be the difference. So, while all of this works itself out, I have to practice patience and continue to be me.

TO BE ME IS TO BE THE MOST LOVING

My heart is the thing that will forever get me into the most trouble.

I don’t give it out often, but when I do, it’s usually to the wrong people. This is not to discount those who are handling my heart like they have a sense of humanity at all. I see all of you great people who know how to act! LOL 👀

But, the ones that are ingrained into the back of my mind are those who have inched their way into my heart only to leave it scarred.

My heart has worked overtime to expend itself and then to mend itself. Time and time again.

Luckily, for me, my heart is most protected by the love of my family! When all other love fails you, familial love will not. It certainly hasn’t failed me!

TO BE ME IS TO BELIEVE THE FALLACY THAT I AM AS MEMORABLE TO OTHERS AS OTHERS HAVE BECOME TO ME

Life is nothing but a bunch of memories and I love making memories with different people.

Nothing means more to me than to have moments that I never want to forget with people who I hope will always be there.

A lot of the times, that’s not the case, but for those who have stuck around, I am truly appreciative. My blinders are on to those who have chosen to make me less than a memory or to those who have come into my life for just a season.

A lesson that I will forever be forced to learn is that, not everyone is able to be good to others. Some people have it in their minds that the proper way to treat people is as though they are disposable. I’ve seen it time and time again, and it will forever be my reminder not to be like those people.

I cannot express how forever appreciative I am of those who have ever treated me like I was forgettable or disposable — You’ve all taught me a more valuable lesson than you will ever know. And although I may not be memorable to people like YOU, I know that, where it counts, I am so much more!


I could honestly go on forever about what pieces make up the Brianna J. pie, but that’d be boring and ever-changing!

All-in-all, I am a food-loving, studying, loud-music-playing, cynical, always honest, never patient, irritable, movie-going woman who is always growing, learning and changing. My secret weapon is that I know who I am. I am always unapologetically me. I fight for what I want, love and care about. And, no matter the turns, I always win.

I guess you could say that, to be me is to be simply amazing. And, if you don’t feel this way about yourself, then you’ve got some work to do. 😉

LXXXIII: To Be A Woman...

To be a woman is to wait...  

In our teens, we wait for the moments that make us feel most like a woman. We wait for that group of friends that we believe we can’t live without. We wait for love — a deep, all-in, scary type of love. 

We wait for those little glimpses into our futures that show us what our passions will likely be. We take chances never fearing the risk. We try without the fear of failure. We leap knowing that life will catch us.

Clueless.gif

Once we reach college age, we wait for the work that we’ve done on ourselves, thus far, to be realized.

By now, we’ve experienced friendship, betrayal, and love [for many]. We’ve had to pick ourselves up, persevere and be our own heroes. We’ve done all of this while under the lens of those around us while trying not to crack under the pressure.

Being a woman is tough. If we aren’t waiting for recognition for our hard work, then we are waiting for men to realize that many of us require that they actually treat us right. We are forever seen as the weaker sex and forever waiting for equality, civility, humanity, and appreciation.

At this point, this woman has been waiting to see a couple of things and I’ve noticed a couple of things... :

HARDWORK’S PAYOFF

There are some women out there working their buns off on a consistent basis and I think that it is worthy of so much applause.

Without getting into the things that women deal with, all too often, while working in the professional world, the way in which women still reign supreme in a number of professional arenas is astounding.

Women are simply amazing. But, sometimes it’s also the case that women are overlooked for their hard work. There are a ton of women out there who have to work behind the guise of a man just to keep their jobs; there are so many women who are the geniuses behind works that will never be known; and there are so many women out there who could do the job 10 times better than their male counterparts but will never even see anything past an interview.

I know that there are many women, including myself, who are waiting for all of their hard work to pay off, and I am just here to say to all of us:

Keep your head up. Your day is coming…

FRIENDS ACTUALLY BEING FRIENDS

I say this and will always stand by this, “it is so easy to be there for someone when they have nothing for you to be there for them about”.

I am a complicated person as it is, but in all of my arduousness, I still manage to be the friend that those around me need. As a woman, I found it necessary to pay attention to the needs of each friend (because they are always different), and work at being what each person needs and when they need it.

Again, I don’t see the point in being in someone’s life if I am not there to enhance or change it. So, as a friend, I make sure that I am exactly what that person needs: if they need an ear, then I listen; if they need a night out, then I’m going; if they need to vent, then I’m right there volunteering to beat up whoever needs it; if they need a shoulder, then I do my best, but honestly I hate contact so, you know, give and take.

All I’m saying is that, I understand what it is to be a human. I understand what it is to be a woman. I understand what it’s like to have emotions, and I understand disappointment very well. Life is not easy for everyone, and I get that it is 10 times harder if you’re doing it alone. So, I do what I can to make sure that those around me know that they are not doing it alone. I’m always here.

But, when it comes to my needs, if I really take a look at my life, not many of those same people even try to be there for me, women included.

For women to see how difficult this life can be and still not be there for another woman is disturbing. And I see it as a cycle of women running into the wrong types of women throughout their lives. They reach a point where it’s impossible to trust a good one when one comes around — and so begins the cycle of selfishness that we are currently knee-deep in today.

Women loving women, genuinely, is so absent in today’s society. For two women to be friends and not talk behind each other’s back or not lie to each other’s face is near impossible to find and it’s sad. There is nothing more powerful than a woman truly supporting a woman — how could we not flock to this?

We have to do better because there is nothing more beautiful than women truly supporting and rooting for other women.

REAL LOVE

I’ve heard it time and time again. It is so easy for a boy to tell you that he loves you, but I have yet to see a man show me that he loves me.

As a woman, when a pattern makes itself known, we cannot help but to internalize… “It must be me”, “Maybe I am asking for too much”, “Maybe I should lower my standards”. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is true, sometimes it is us! Sometimes we do ask for unreasonable and unrealistic things! And I’m not even touching that last one because I will never lower my standards.

But many times, it’s the fact that these boys haven’t been held responsible for their actions (see To Be Man post); they haven’t been required to try or put forth effort beyond getting in a girl’s pants, they haven’t been told to be the role model or the man. It’s never required because there is always a girl in the background that he can spend his time and energy on who doesn’t require these things like the woman does.

In this regard it’s like we’re fighting ourselves because we’ll continue to be the home for his womanizing ways, lies and failure to accept or admit the things from his past that have hurt him. Things that he hasn’t even taken the time out to work through because he’s never been required to.

Being a woman is hard — being a woman in love is the hardest.

Strength and “Real Love” have to go hand in hand in this world. I’m waiting for the shift that doesn’t only call for a woman’s strength but that also includes a man showing strength, restraint, loyalty, and love… and I do mean Real love.

COMPETITION

For some reason, women always seem to be in competition with each other as if we aren’t all fighting the same evils.

That competition even becomes the very demon that destroys our relationships, our friendships and our own well-being.

I don’t compete with the women around me because I really don’t see a point and I don’t see what we would be competing for (I generally see myself on different levels across the board). The energy put into competing at things that probably won’t even matter 5 years from now could easily go into, oh I don’t know, ANYTHING.

I just see the world as insanely difficult when it comes to people because our focus gets stuck on things like competition instead of on things like working through problems, or being there for each other, or being a friend…

I mean, maybe the fact that I honestly cannot wrap my mind around why or what women are competing for is exactly why I don’t understand this concept of women competing against women — and I do refer to the negative competition and not the fruitful/sportsman-type of competition.

HUMANITY

Chivalry, compassion, dignity, love, tenderness, kindness, consideration, generosity, goodness, sincerity, honesty and loyalty — Where art thou!?

I’m waiting for the world to find it’s humanity [again]. For some reason I have this idea that we once knew how to treat each other. And I could be completely wrong, but I honestly feel like there was a time where men had manners, at least made an effort to be honest, and tried to treat women the way they deserve to be treated.

Maybe because of the way that I was brought up — you know, with common sense, common curtesy and decency, do I believe that others should exercise the same.

I think that the world is so caught up in the pretend lives that they’re living for social media and viral culture that they are completely forgetting to be human and to treat others as if they are also human.

As a Black woman, my experience is much different from many others when it comes to humanity. Many women reading this post probably do not feel that humanity has died, but being a Black woman (the most unprotected, the most attacked, the most forgotten kind of woman) only shows me in technicolor that the world is lacking in the humanity, compassion, loyalty and decency department, and I want us to get it back. I believe in us!


Women spend their lives trying to find themselves and then to not lose it to the world, trying to determine who and what is worth caring for, trying to protect what’s nearest and dearest to them, nurturing, loving, caring and being compassionate and remaining strong. All while being used and abused by damaged guys (and girls), being betrayed by lifelong friends, and being placed in insane situations in the workplace while being looked over for things and positions that they can [more likely than not] do better than the guys.

Being a woman is hard… And I think that I continue to return to this point because it is too true. But, to all of the women who are loving in this world, working in this world, caring in this world, trying in this world and who are remaining true to themselves in this world, I see you and I applaud you all.

🖤

LXXX:... Would I Have Any Regrets?

Life is unpredictable, and I oftentimes wonder if I’d have any regrets should I reach my last day.

Have I done everything that I’ve wanted? Did I say everything that I needed to everyone in my life? Did I love as hard as I could? And do the people that I love, appreciate, and admire know that I love, appreciate and admire them? 

Would I regret the fact that I haven’t even made it through half of my Bucketlist? Would I regret the fact that I have never found my passion?


I’ve always made it a point to try and live the life that I want. I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum, I’ve used myself as a gauge for my progress and growth, and I’ve given my all to my friendships and relationships.

These are the things that I take the most pride in. But would others know that I’ve done all that I could to be a force for good in their lives? Would they know that I did all that I could to be the best friend, love, cousin, sister, daughter that I could possibly be? Would they know?

Would I feel that I’ve done all that I could in this life? Would I be able to say that I’ve touched enough lives? Have I been a good love to someone? Have I been a disappointment to someone? I have no clue, but there are a couple of things that I do know. 🤔


In this life, I’ve:

I: Seen Paris

II: Fallen In Love With Washington D.C.

III: Had Love, Many Times

🙄, Let’s be real! I’ve loved many times but was it returned? Obviously not considering the way they all go.

The goal is always to love and be loved, but Let’s Be Real, as we move more towards an easy and selfish existence, finding love is getting to be more and more impossible. People are there for the easy and fun part of the ride but they are gone the second things become work —- and this is definitely not love.

So, I doubt that I’ve experienced a returned or even real love, but I have definitely loved someone and there’s no greater [or scarier] feeling. 💕

IV: Had Bestfriends Galore

V: Eaten A Ton

VI: Seen Seattle

VII: Walked Through Huge Trees and Beautiful Snow In Virginia

VA

VIII: Learned To Ride A Bike(Twice)/Longboard

Now, things with wheels, apart from cars, are obviously not for me, but I like getting out there and trying new things. And, who could’ve known that seeing new cities by bike or longboard could be so exciting?!

Now, things with wheels, apart from cars, are obviously not for me, but I like getting out there and trying new things. And, who could’ve known that seeing new cities by bike or longboard could be so exciting?!

IX: Been A Wrestler

X: Been/Am A Ballet Dancer

My secret love that no one gets to see me do. 😉  Sometimes you just need something that’s all yours.

My secret love that no one gets to see me do. 😉

Sometimes you just need something that’s all yours.

XI: Been To du mussée du Louvre

XII: Had Many Regrets

So many people that I regret associating with; so much love that I regret giving; and so much pain that I regret causing and so much pain that I regret giving my time. But, without any of these things, I wouldn’t have learned so many lessons.

I’ll keep the past regrets, but I’m definitely on a mission to do better ALWAYS.


This post is just a reminder to myself to always say what I feel, do what I want, and love as hard as I possibly can. A lot of things and people in this world have turned me off to love and friendship in general, but I know that my love is valuable, my friendship is one-of-a-kind, and I am hilarious to be around.

Those who have chosen to walk out of my life and/or treat me wrong have chosen to do so solely on their own. BUT I REFUSE TO LET THEM BE THE REASON THAT I LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH ANY REGRETS.

So, have I found my true love? No.

Have I effected the amount of change on this world that I set out to? No.

Have I found my passion yet? No.

But, have I traveled, loved, smiled, eaten, and been unapologetically me? Absolutely.

So basically, I would gladly leave this world with no regrets. I hope you all can say the same. 🖤

LXXVII: Have I Called A Post 'Love' Yet?

If I were to choose a Love Language, then it would definitely be in line with Gifting. Not so much receiving gifts, but definitely giving gifts.

Because I am not as physically and verbally expressive as most, I tend to show affection, appreciation, love, and friendship via gifts instead.

FOR ACQUAINTANCES:

I’ve found that I am an odd breed of person because I don’t even have to know everything about you to think of you and get you a gift if I think that it is fitting for you.

There have been instances where I just met a person and in one of our conversations they mentioned that they were a huge fan of something random. And then one day I am in a store and see a trinket in line with that thing and I grab it for them!

That’s just me! Oddly enough, the people who have crossed my path these last couple of years obviously haven’t had giving people in their lives because, when it’s a gift to a guy, he thinks I’m proposing marriage, and when it’s a girl, she thinks I want to be her best-friend! And trust me, neither of these are ever the case.

For this, I feel so badly that they’ve never had a nice person in their lives and am always happy to be the first! But, I’ve also found that these are usually glimpses into more narcissistic or egotistic character traits that I do not need to align myself with, so I let these people pass me by — gift or no gift.

But lucky for them, they were a thought at some point! Making someone feel special is something that brings a joy unlike any other type of joy, especially to me. Give it a try sometime in whatever your Love Language may be.

For Friends:

The majority of my friends receive gifts like random flowers, tickets to things, gift cards or food.

To me, food is a bond and when I can share that bond with others, then I usually can tell that we’ve crossed that boundary into actual friendship. But, I always say, if I can’t even eat in front of you, DO NOT THINK THAT WE ARE FRIENDS, PERIOD.

In my opinion, friends receive the second best gifts that I give (coming second to family). They get the gifts that show my appreciation for their long-lasting presence in my life, their honesty, their loyalty, and their patience in dealing with me (because I am WORK).

I love and appreciate the friends that have stuck by me and I make it a point to show them.

For Dates/More-Than-Friends, but Less-Than-Lovers/and Lovers:

These gifts are usually more sentimental and I certainly put more thought into them.

Because I am naturally a “gifter”, when getting a gift for someone who is working his way into my heart, I definitely spend a good amount of time reflecting on our relationship up to that point before deciding on the appropriate gift. I think back on past conversations about our goals, wants and needs. I think to things that have affected him and I think to things that he’s said to me. But most of all, because a sense of humor is a must when being around me, I think back to things that have made us laugh uncontrollably. These things usually help me most in putting together gifts.

Over the past five years, I’ve put serious thought into gifts for guys twice! This should give you an idea of how rare it is that I even let someone get close enough to care about getting them anything “special”.

Again, I am not affectionate in many ways, but gifting is kind of my thing. Lucky is the man who convinces me to love em’ (& deeply troubled, let’s face it, I’m a handful)!

Now, it’s your turn, what’s your love language?

  1. Gifts — Receiving gifts

  2. Quality Time

  3. Words of Affirmation

  4. Acts of Service — “Actions Speak Louder Than Words”

  5. Physical Touch