Healthy Relationships

LXXXI: I Think I’ve Earned My Right To Not Be Okay With BS, Yes?

Someone asked that I write out this post so that I can get it all out and “feel better”.

I honestly do not believe that writing out this post will help me at all, but I do believe that it will help some of my close friends understand why I’ve been so distant.

I TEND TO DISTANCE MYSELF WHEN I’M AT A LOSS.

I am the type of person that believes that you can bring down other peoples’s mood with your mood, so I feel that, me feeling down daily will affect those around me. I, of course, do not like that. So, I distance myself. I don’t see the point in discussing the things that have gotten me down because it’s usually the case that, if I’m already at the point, then we’re past the time where something can be done about it.

A BIG PART OF THIS POST IS THE SIMPLE FACT THAT I GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING!

I am done with everything.

I have worked my butt off for decades at everything and everyone in my life. Doors were closed in my face, and I’d pivot and open new doors. I was told no, and I’d lift my head and make a ‘yes’ out of it. I was given lemons, I always made lemonade. I was given dead flowers and I turned them into a backdrop.

But, I am tired.

For years I’ve picked myself up, I’ve been my own hero. I’ve been my own biggest fan. I’ve been my own cheerleader. I’ve fought. I’ve studied. I’ve learned. I’ve tried. BUT I AM DONE.

I’ve worked myself to a point of knowing, wholeheartedly, that I deserve a break. So, I’m taking one.

I’m tired of having to pick myself up after other people’s disappointments. I’m tired of being stuck with the thought and memories of people who have no thoughts and memories of me. I am tired of wanting better for people who do not even want better for themselves.

SUPERHERO OFF DUTY.

That's All Folks.gif

This superhero is now off duty. I do not want to be the strong Black woman who has it all together, who is always working her butt off at everything only to come second, and who gives her all to relationships only to end up not even knowing the person once it’s over.

For the time being, I am free.

There is very little that I care about and very little that I am going to do. Apart from studying and finishing up law school strong, I am done. I don’t care about anything. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to even talk to anyone. 🤷🏾‍♀️

BUT, WHY IS THIS OKAY?

In my opinion, this is okay because, the alternative is to lose my mind. I’d rather not allow the things and people of this world to make me insane. I’d rather do what I need to do to keep my sanity.

Realizing your limits is a very important thing. And person to person, those limits will look very different. For me, this is what it looks like when I’ve reached my limit. I literally have to throw my hands up regarding everything in my life and just let it all go.

I think that, as long as I explain to my readers why my content has been one-sided, and as long as I explain to my friends and family why I’ve been so distant then I’ve officially covered my bases and can begin to do what I need to do for me.

Luckily for my readers, I love blogging, so I will continue to blog, but apart from that, I’m off the grid. ✌🏾

LXXII: Oh, So You Just Have NO Self-Control... ?

Song: I Hate Giving You Everything by Arlissa

Some situations have ‘unhealthy’ written all over them. And yet, they are so appealing!

I have never encountered a situation that worked, didn’t and then became unhealthy to the point of having to split before NOW. How human of me, right? I hate it.

So, the mind is a crazy thing. Add to that the powers of the heart and you’ve got nothing but trouble. All of this leads to my current feelings:

I: I really want to keep something around that really needs to be let go of

II: I really miss having someone around who really shouldn’t be around

III: I really wish things went differently, when who knows if that situation was even for me

I could rack my brain and play out scenarios for days where we don’t lose what oftentimes feels special or different, but then how will we become who we are meant to become? But let’s slow it down:

Honestly, in all of my moments of weakness surrounding this whole ordeal, I find myself missing our laughs, our random conversations, our arguments and disagreements, our crazy and random adventures and so much more on the broad spectrum. On the narrower spectrum, I find myself missing his eyes, his laugh, his touch, his insane sense of humor, or the way that his face just works (maybe even left-handed things)!

These are the moments that I think, ‘Oh, one text message wouldn’t hurt’, or ‘Hmm, maybe we should just hang out and keep it light’. IT’S LEGITIMATELY AN INTERNAL BATTLE.

 

Sidebar: Have you ever been in a battle with your mind and your heart? That is the most uncontrolled fight you will ever take part in. Impulse is literally the only winner when those two are fighting and my impulse is usually an ‘okay, send the text’. I give in!!!

 

BUT HOW WILL I GROW IF I’M NOT EVEN WILLING TO EXERCISE SELF-CONTROL IN THIS INSTANCE?

My biggest fear in “letting myself grow away from this situation” or in exercising self-control (as I’ve put it) is that maybe I am not supposed to let it go so easily (and I use that loosely because it has not been easy). Maybe I am supposed to fight for it. Maybe this one is worth it (chuckle chuckle, because, are they ever worth it? 🤔).

Two factors, however, control what I can do in this situation: (1) I can’t fix it alone — teamwork makes the dream work, and (2) I don’t want to fight for something that will land me in a worse position than the one I’m already in!

These two factors usually help determine what you should do, or which direction you should go next with whomever this person-in-question is. The fact that giving up is easier than actually putting in work for what’s worth it makes it to where teamwork would be impossible in my situation. Some people like complacency and everything that comes easily is preferred. If they have to work for it, then they don’t want it. And secondly, with a person like this, how would I not end up in a worse position?! I’d be fighting for something that the other party would just drop the moment it gets difficult!

If my two factors above establish whether or not self-control needs to be exercised, then it is abundantly clear that this situation has got to go and that it’s on me to exercise enough control to ensure that it does!

In 100% transparency, I have completely said self-control be darned and just given into it at every avenue, but at some point we have to acknowledge that:

THIS NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE IS EXACTLY WHAT WAS NEEDED TO SPARK THE LIGHT THAT LIT THE FIRE IN WHO I AM ABOUT TO BECOME.

You can’t grow if you don’t change what is not good around you and within you. Exercise of self-control is just a step. Perseverance is a requirement. Self-awareness is imperative. Reflection is crucial. And, knowing your self-worth will literally save your life.

With that, I’ve let it go! 🤷🏾‍♀️