XVII: Can I Just Tell You All The Ways That I Am NOT Killing It Right Now?
As much as I am sure you'd all like to believe someone else has all of their stuff together, I can assure you that 9 times out of 10, they do not. Let me forever be the first to make it known that I am flourishing in nary an area of my life at the moment. No, I'm not joking. Let me explain...
Work
Have you ever rode on a stationary bike? You worked hard on that bike, no? But, when you got off, you were in the same spot you were when you started, weren't ya?
That's me all day at work. I feel like I work so hard sometimes that I break a sweat! No, I really sit at my desk sweating (for no reason, mind you) and just typing away in an effort to reduce the piles of work on my desk and in the inbox of my emails. When five o'clock hits, all of those piles are still there and my emails are still in the double digits.
This has really started to weigh on me. It causes me, instead of working harder, to feel as though I am stuck whether I'm working or not. I look at the piles and instead of becoming motivated, I become discouraged. I begin to think that, even if I work my butt off, it will never end this cycle. And so begins the downward spiral. At that point, I am no longer filled with the joy of waking up to report to a job that I love. Instead, I dread waking up and heading out to another day of not being good enough. But, I was told that this is just another part of life that I am tasked with getting through. I've accepted that challenge and am working hard to keep my head above the rough waters that my job has been throwing at me.
School
I will preface this by saying that I am handling school so much better this semester than I did last semester. I had no idea what was going on last semester and the first time that I actually opened up my books was to study for finals.
This semester, however, I know where all of my classes are, I attend them and I've read some books. But, let's be real, it is law school. There is not a day that doing the bare minimum will get you by. So, in short, I am simply not killing this law school thing right now. Blame it on the exhaustion. Blame it on the burn-out. Blame it on me actually wanting to have a life for a little while instead of giving in to the guilt of not studying.
Whatever I choose to blame it on this week, something's got to give, because with the fast-paced environment of law school and its competitive nature, you just can't take time out to feel sorry for yourself or to feel tired/burned-out.
Dating
Wait, what is that?
No really. I took a year and some change to just completely be out of the dating game. This meant no talking to men (unless it was business), no entertaining men, no flirting, nothing beyond basic conversation. It was a great year! But it also took away whatever minimal ability I had to do these things before.
I was awkward in social situations then, but oh if you could see me now, you’d be amazed. It’s almost like watching your parents try to compose a text, or my favorite, watching your parents create a Facebook post. It's painful for everyone within a 50-foot radius, let me tell you.
Although I am back in a space where I am open to having an adventure buddy and someone to go eat at random places with that won't judge my portions, I am also in a space where the prospects are slim to non-existent (blame it on my year of non-social activities). I am also deeply opposed to any form of "social dating," so if you slide past my profile on a dating app I can assure you that you are being Catfish-ed. Call Nev and Max immediately!
Curse me and my belief in an old-school attachment. In holding out for that, and even in trying to create that attachment, I very easily become discouraged at the thought of venturing into this world of vulnerability. One day I am super excited to be this open and vulnerable, and the next day I am cursing to the wind about how stupid it is.
Will I ever figure this out? Who knows, but just know that I am currently not killing the dating game.
Working Out
I have never been one to spend hours in the gym. I do not believe that a good workout takes half a day. I think that you can get in, get it done, and get out. I have no clue what the people that spend an hour and a half in the gym, with a notepad, are doing, except being in the way of the people that don't need to look at pictures to use the equipment (Hi! That's me).
With this said, I used to have a strict workout regimen, and it worked for me. I’d wake up in the morning, go for a run, go to work, go to class, go home, do homework and go to bed. The only alterations I’d make to that schedule were to change my morning run to a lunch time run. It worked for me until it didn’t work for me.
Nowadays, I find it harder to wake up in the morning, even harder to get out of bed, and please believe that I am in bed earlier and earlier every night. I make all kinds of excuses for not working out knowing that working out is the only thing, at this point, that keeps me somewhat sane.
The worst part of all of this is that my lack of physical activities is starting to show. Those that know me know that I maintain somewhat of an athlete's body. I've grown to love this little fact about me, but these days that athletic build is turning into mush. I have love handles. I am losing every row of abs that I previously had. My arms are turning into flab, and for the first time in my life, I think I have actual back fat.
So, as far as working out is concerned, I am not even close to killing it, but I am slowly but surely working my way back to where I once was.
Friendships
I am so sad to say that, this year, I am having more lights shown on the faces of more fake friends. The shadows that this casts is uncomfortable to say the least. More so because I keep hope that they will change or get better (as if fake is a curable disease).
With every realization, I am left feeling emptier and emptier. Let's just say that, once I allow you in, I put way more faith in you than you likely deserve. Losing a friend usually hurts me as much as losing a "lover." I am not one to form relationships with just anyone. I take the process very seriously, so whenever I find out that I was not as good a judge of character as I'd intended, it usually breaks me down.
This all leaves me passing out way more side-eyes than smiles which is just not a way to live your life. How pleasant can life be when you feel as though you have to constantly watch your back with those closest to you just to make sure that they don't stab you (as if you could stop it)?
I am, however, optimistic that getting rid of the old batch of friends will bloom new and beautiful connections that I couldn't have projected while in the shadows of the fake friends.
So, although I am not batting a perfect .400, or even a .300, I am optimistic that all of the walls that I've seemed to hit lately will yield beautiful detours to breathtaking ends.
This is me creating my own light and good fortune. We shall see how long this lasts...
“Strive, forever, to be the ‘Selfless’ in the land of the Selfish.”